Her Kid: are you ready to come to school? They may just be an indirect communicator, and Hey, want to go have dinner might feel too abrupt without any conversational preamble. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course. Our college was selling cheap tickets for an outdoor ice skating event. People who act like or claim that it is impolite are exhibiting the things I dont like must be rude/mean fallacy. To contact our editors please use our contact form. Spot on, thank you. Youll all be healthier and live longer if they learn some manners in how they treat you. Btw, the annoyed reaction at go to the airport and the misunderstanding re: grandma could be exactly because she is used to you making decisions for her and expecting her to follow through. What I usually say is, Not bad, not bad, how bout yourself?. The problem with these is that the aforementioned cousin who wants you to babysit may treat your I dont know as nothing at all, I have zero excuses. You need to know your audience, but it does work well for the nosy-only requests. and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. Then there is the Miss Manners rebuff, where the pitch is level until the final word is raised. Of course, you can replace "great" with any adjective (positive or negative) that describes your day in a general way. Yay! How much stuff is there? I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. Im surprised to find out this is annoying, I guess, because I am such a What are you up to this weekend? asker when I want to hang out. One morning when we were together he asked, So what are your plans for tonight? I said, Oh I dont know. Bye. Me: Yeah, Ive got some stuff I have to get done. No, seriously, TheDukeDevlin has the correct answer. Then they can ask for details to make up their minds, or just shut you down with a no of preferred firmness if the event doesnt appeal. "I'll get back to you once I'm back from my long-awaited trip to the fridge.". I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. N- New adventure. I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. How about you? Great, Thanks for Asking. (If they meant the invitation) Them : OH! ? I had a boss once who sometimes wanted to know if I could work overtime on the weekend, but sometimes wanted to know if there was quirky events on that her daughter might be interested in. Any fun plans? So if theyre just chatting youve invited them to talk about their own weekend, and if they are in fact leading up to an invitation, then youve been vague about whether nothing interesting means lots of chores, or free time. I am a Guess person, and that is not going to change (and I often feel annoyed at people who seem to think that it shouldmy brain wiring is okay, too! Totally fair and perfectly polite. "Thank you, I appreciate that.". Personally what works for me to feel non-imposed-upon is for someone to either tell me I have time to think about it, say hey if you cant I understand or similar, and generally act like they care about my opinions, feelings, and consent. It almost feels like if they just sneak up on me with some super fun plans I might say yes more often. For example, while my wife and I are paying with a credit card after having Saturday morning breakfast, and while the receipt is printing out, the cashier will say, So, you guys got any good plans for the weekend?. It sounds like you find the second uncomfortable or have had bad experiences with people misusing it to manipulate you. ! OH ME TOO. If its just to bond, asking about past activities might be an easier way to accomplish this. (Remember the FIRST part of what I saidthat Ive been careful to respect her autonomy since she was a teen. That's why this is one of the funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" that you should keep in mind. K- keep a distance from work. But thats always what those on the winning side of dominance relationships say. Its 2018. morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. Good, I just saw the cutest squirrel.. Not every parent who expects stuff from their kid is unreasonable. Leisure time is notI give up my leisure time to hem her pants or help her move back from college or make her dinner. Its not over-sensitivity when people react to it theyre reacting to what they know is likely to be underneath it.. Oh, such discerning eyes. 2. Busy busy busy! E- Excitement. Probably just working on some homework. He said, Oh yeah? and just went on, no indication that he was asking for any reason other than general curiosity. Who on earth does #4, besides a small boy under 6? Kind of a random revelation after reading everyones advice and responses: I think this is up for me right now because Im new to the online dating world and, because of my past experience with my family, I am having a hard time telling if the question is of the innocuous kind (like when co-workers ask my plans for the weekend), a soft opening to trying to ask me out, or the kind of manipulation that Ive, for better or for worse, learned to be on alert for. 2. In my case its also true (OH is much better at executive function than me). You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. You get to notice pretty fast that your opinions, feelings and thoughts dont matter if they dont conform to a view of the world that doesnt let them look like heroes and you like a cultural clich. I ask that question so I wont impose myself on someone by asking them to do something if they already have plans. However, if you and/or your husband have used that phrase in the past where she is included in the We, shes not mishearing you/he are misspeaking. When I am planning an event I usually offer a description of what I have planned first and then we move to scheduling but most of that is done in social media or by e-mail these days. Me: No can do. For example, Looking forward to the weekend? or I hope you get to relax this weekend.; My take is that if they wish to continue the conversation, they will do so, but if not, they can reply with a Yes/No. Why is that worth it? We can debate all day whether that should be true, but it is. If its as specific as Thursday, thats true, but I find when its a larger stretch like the weekend or the holidays its just as likely to be an attempt to get to know you and learn about your hobbies, interests, routine, etc, and find out if you have anything in common/have a life they find interesting/etc. , I am in a cat trance. Ive noticed that sometimes when coworkers as me what Im doing theyre really just politely trying to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell me all about their exciting weekend plans. I can see where laundry might be a perfectly good excuse NOT to go with your aunt to somewhere you dont want to go. A possible script: Sorry, Aunt, if I dont do laundry this weekend, Im not going to have any clean clothes. It's time to break the silence and let her know that she shouldn't be nosing into your business when her life isn't anything special. The asker might want the invitee to give some input on what theyd like to do, but thats not the same as expecting them to do all the planning. Thanks! You are doing things and going places. Its not even really pushback. Turning oxygen into carbon dioxide. Like Sounds great but tonight wouldnt work for me or Yknow what, Im pretty tired, I could have made something shorter work but that play will just be too much or just Hm, nah. But that was fun and consensual for both parties. I just want to say I appreciate that, you know, you havent started charging your daughter rent, etc. friend: yep cool Is this just aimless small-talk? Note that LW says when it comes to friend-peer interactions, its fine, other than reminding LW of the more problematic interactions. Yes, this. One of my long-time boundaries is I wont date a guy who cant properly carry out an invitation and follow it through. What he sounds like to me is the dweebs in engineering school who would pull this routine. I have a colleaguestraight white well-employed middle-class-raised Christian cis man, so about as privileged as you can get in Americawho opts out of a lot of what he considers to be optional social stuff. We assume you wont want to share all your more detailed baggage or bad news with someone you dont know very well and we are a little taken aback if you actually do because it indicates that you feel a level of closeness with us that we didnt necessarily feel with you. Its not lazy that I did X this week which meant I was in pain by Friday night. Good, the colors on the leaves are amazing (in Fall) They are asking whether you want to go on a date with them on Thursday. What are you doing this weekend? With some people, though, perfect honesty might be the best solution if you expect them to follow you closely in social media: Uh oh, that week is really busy and I am going to be very tired and stressed in [time]. In these cases, we are all just curious and looking for stuff to talk about. I guess turning down invites is probably just a point of stress for me though, because people have historically gotten annoyed at me for being busy and turning down their invites, when its just like Please find out if Im actually available first so you dont take it personally that I cant hang this weekend?. Because Im white, I fortunately have the privilege of knowing that 9 times out of 10 its just genuine curiosity and an attempt at polite small talk (theres always the 1 thats still xenophobic, though, like the cashier who blurted out when are you leaving, then? or the psychiatrist who refused me medical treatment because I should be going back to my home country soon anywayIm married and staying here, sorry to disappoint). Get a little philosophical and it'll get everyone off of your back. 3. Why insist on these parental avenues of control and dominance over another adult, when it has already harmed your relationship and can only do more harm? I hate it when people tell me whats best for me (more plans! LWs letter got me thinking and i thought about using this kind of questions and realized that the only time I actually use them is with really close friends with whom I would just like to hang out or intend to make plans together. I think LW is unable to separate people doing something that they personally find annoying, and people intentionally trying to annoy them. Like if I can magically guess the exact time theyre free and what they want to do with literally no input from them I guess I win hanging out with someone who wasnt that enthusiastic with the suggestion that we make plans? I used this to train my mom to use text/email instead, because 1) I hate phone and 2) a written message means much less chances of either one of us getting the details wrong. I love this response: not sure what Ill be in the mood for. What sounds good on Wednesday is not always what I want to do on Saturday. She gets what crowds people like and is on point with inviting me to the right events. It might be helpful to reframe this, because the vast majority of the time its not going to be meant as a high-pressure question. And genuinely interested in what theyre doing! I make a special point to not do that, not even if the thing Im asking for help with is sort of non-negotiable. I think one way of dealing with this is to explicitly put the hard invitation back in their court. ME to GROUP CHAT: [Friend] and I are planning karaoke on [date] If you are available and interested, please let me know by [date] and Ill reserve a room! It is a question that can be answered or echoed and nobody minds too much. I used to get caught by this question. Thanks for the invite though!. Him: You must be doing something. Helen Huntingdon, I dont want you to think Ive dismissed all your argumentsyouve certainly given me pause and gotten me to think about what my expectations are. hours of 8 p.m. and 1 a.m. on Friday and Saturday because it will make you seem like you don't have anything better to do on the weekend. But, in the long run, in my life, I think the conflict over emotional labor and fair division of chores, while sometimes painful and frustrating, was something we were able to move past when I moved out because I never felt unsafe. If you follow through with people you actually want to see (as in, Can I let you know tomorrow? = You actually let them know one way or another tomorrow), you arent being a jerk by not responding immediately to their questions or invitations, and you dont owe a full accounting of your time. Good to know! If those people have sufficient ability to cause difficulty or danger if they are displeased, it may not be advisable to say to them but not because it it rude; because those people cause problems when things dont go their way. Because shes a family member. With colleagues especially, Im not looking to hang out just looking to connect on something, find out what they like about, get to know them better. Something like this happens every single time. Well see you at other time, but not in the morning.. One of the costs of challenging social rules is that it makes it harder for people to learn them. It can still get extremely wearing through, and I do wish people would think more about when this conversation is appropriate and when Im maybe not up for answering a litany of questions that literally every stranger asks me (ie when Im obviously exhausted and struggling with four bags of groceries that I have to cart away on foot). LW specifically said that LW is not bothered by this in peer-friends. Im working on this myself. Flat? Since LW was talking about very short-term questions, I certainly hope no one is asking because they need to tell the caterer! Cousin Charles is having a party, and I think it would be good if you showed up.. This will hopefully lead to the two of you sharing what your plans are and possibly hanging out. Maybe we could get together. This sentence should never be solo. Fine, thanks.. Oh, theyre going to the movies on Saturday? Need some help actually. You are hearing pressure where there is none; and even if there were a little pressure, the grownup way to deal with it is to push back firmly but politelyno whining, no yelling, no accusing, no lecturing. I wonder if some variety of Im really flattered that you asked and I want to hang bout, but I REALLY need to recharge this weekend, maybe we can set a time that works for both of us? might be a good script? Thankfully, the discomfort is mostly on my end at this point. Yes, this. It seems to me to have grown somehow out of how do you do, to which the appropriate response was, of course, how do you do. The Im entitled to your assistance is the MINOR part of this.). To the point she gets fallout for being unhelpful if she doesnt do it? A party people pop quiz so to speak. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. I didnt feel like talking to her much for several months. But it needs to be a set rent, that can be codified and set down in a form you could use with any other adult, should the fancy take you. Especially as its usually done over text, which (to me) precludes the idea of it being small talk. Thanks to this blog, mostly , Yeah, I also dont entirely understand how the question could be meant to make it easier to decline an invitation. I hate ditherers with the passion of a thousand suns. Try these OOO messages to let people know you're taking a break. I cant see into the future and neither can the people in my life. They specifically mentioned 4 contexts where the asker then does go on to invite them to do something or asks for a favor. Are you busy? +1, Im the same way. Im in my 20s and married, living away from home, but I feel like Im constantly playing tug-a-war with my parents and were fighting over boundaries. I felt disliked, maybe undervalued, often embarrassed (and some of that came from my own brainweasles or ablism in broader society, not primarily my parents) but never unsafe. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. In this case it has the added benefit of short-circuiting the waiting for you to say nothing so I can guilt you into babysitting gambit. Of course, what you do will be just as big of a surprise for you as it will be for them. Me: yes! or no, sorry. I had a hard time staying employed and taking care of myself because I have a chronic illness, and the alternative to living with my parents would be to figure out how to apply for section 8 housing and Disability, both of which have a long wait list. Hah. "Great, thanks for asking" is a generic response that you can use when you receive a "how's your day going" message. LW, one of the things you could do is take a hobby (or pretend to) and have that as your backup plans. I usually just respond with I have tentative plans with a friend why do you ask? Lots of wiggle room there. I miss you though, can we plan dinner soon? And I have a date Saturday, but I would love to get a phone call-catchup on the calendar if youre freemaybe Sunday afternoon? (These examples are all people I want to spend time with I also use a lot of swamped this weekend! (And it also stopped me from being super-duper free to do alllll the weekend shifts. This is a different way of reacting to a social interaction. This way Im letting them know why in the same breath, and giving them a potential out. Glad that this day is not that worse. It can be all consuming, leaving no time for askers invitations or request, or totally flexible and cancellable if there is something you would like to do. Your tactic of combining the two points is the right way to go, I think. Also I have learned to give hard noes. 1. Neighbor! I hear you. She looks so comfortable. Your parent or in-law will not die if they cant railroad your schedule. We all had too much to drink and passed out at Dan's house!" So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. Some people here do not really do much small talk, so even asking How are you? might lead to a long description of ones health. "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. Whatever hits them the hardest should work just fine. There was definitely conflict where trying to balance and figure out fairness, safety, and compassion were difficult and sometimes heated. I get lunch with my coworkers on Friday and there is a lot of so is anyone doing anything interesting this weekend? in our conversation. You can say "because you're too hideous" or "because you're too old." Ive learned a lot of strategies.). And I hate being rude, also as a woman I am hardcore trained to not ever be rude, so at this point for me sticking to my guns and saying no, I cant do that thing with you (even though this person now knows I technically CAN) is very difficult because it turns into: I dont WANT to do this thing with you, and thats a no-no (around here, I mean). Good old traffic, Ill probably be stuck out all day!, or Nope, gotta get the groceries, what about you?, or Nah, looking forward to some peace and quiet, hows your Wednesday looking?. Maybe I wont be all that interested in helping her someday. This meme will hilarious remind them. The fact that LW is this bugged about it shows theres a problem and the parent is being manipulative. Its essentially part of, or an alternative to, hello. 200 Sarcastic Quotes 1. 1 Keeping It Real I am currently out of the office on vacation. Im sure to him thats bewildering, but to me its bewildering that for so long he simply refused to choose to behave with appropriate respect. Explain yourself; dont make me drag it out of you. Flying in a rocket ship. So nowadays Ill say something like Im probably going to do [X], but thats not urgent if you want to hang out instead! or I need to do [X] but I have time for a quick dinner if youre interested. (People who are not the boything get oh, Ive got laundry because theres almost nobody else Im willing to make same-day plans with. that sounds fun! If youve never read, The Gift of Fear, the critical point is that niggling things like exactly this are the warnings that can save your life and that there is literally no better metric than that the situation is giving you that reaction, no matter how small or how you try to dismiss it. 2, They ask assuming Im also from somwhere else, prepared to bond over that and my answer is almost always a small dissapointment and Im never sure quite what to do with that. If you have people in your life who you trust not to get offended at this exchange, definitely give this method a try. It changed how I felt about her for a long time. Its okay that I usually spend my weekends watching movies/playing videogames/reading and those arent shameful hobbies. Every weekend! And I had to say to her, over the airport thing: Act like a grownup. I also ignore We should hang out soon! It doesnt replace actually reaching out to me and trying to set up plans. I recognize that the question can DEFINITELY be used to intentionally or unconsciously other people, Her problem with it seemed more about having to answer it ALL the time than any implied racism or xenophobia. Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. She got like that by working three times as hard as everyone else and being three times as smart as everyone else. With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. Theres a great body of research on the pileup of mental stress on the interrupted person, and the habit encourages the interrupter to indulge in constant watching and judging of how another adult spends their R&R downtime, which isnt good for the interrupter either, since it breeds resentment, often of a very petty kind. People here may be disagreeing that it should be a normal social rule, but if you change your behavior to meet that, youll be wrong by other standards. Just about the only good answer is, That doesnt work for me/us, followed by, Asked and answered, when they dont want to take that answer. Just wow. They were being blunt and probably didnt realize the pressure I felt to say yes to direct requests, and didnt understand why I felt hurt when, upon working up the courage to ask for something directly, it was turned down. Absolutely, this too. Answer accordingly. You know, I just had a *very* amusing misunderstanding with a facebook friend who was ranting about MLM (which I thought was the wlw type of MLM). Sometimes I deal with anxiety all weekend and its hard not to judge myself for that. This is one of those times where being okay with yourself and your own boundaries about this will help you deal with other people in a mannerly-yet-assertive fashion. In that case I would begin with the duty: I need a babysitter.
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