This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.". It's not super fun, but not a nightmare either. The thing is he takes work trips more often than I do! Sometimes its hard to realize that the smaller part of an issue youre focusing on is actually part of something bigger, and you need someone else to alert you to that. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationcynon valley history. For another, unless the husband is a lot more clever than it seems from the letter and follow ups, a good counselor would be useful to the OP, even if it is abuse. I dont understand giving up agency as an adult just because I got married. Also deploying the well everyone else thinks youre wrong too thing is a really immature way to work through a disagreement. You definitely need counseling, and he may need his own as well. Maybe there are some things about himself orhis relationship with you that need some work. My husband was recently sent to Vegas for a week on two days notice and my response was pretty much the same. I love it when my husband goes camping with the guys. within arms range. This is a great comment. I played the slots for all of 5 minutes and that was it. Absolutely. This is a question for a marriage counselor and/or individual therapist. Meaning they side with the wife on this one. All rights reserved. by Alison Green on September 27, 2017. Then I realized that he was not being irrational he was worried, and it was not a burden for me just to check in once in awhile, especially if I am on unfamiliar dark roads. Refusing to go on this trip is highly unlikely to save your marriage. Gamboling is a type of frolicking around without a care in the world. Indifference. Some women even LIVE in Las Vegas! let has no part of a marriage unless it deeply affects the partner and then people need to work on it together. And people loooooove the lotto tix here. AND that a little drinking and dancing and playing roulette (pick your game), or even a LOT of drinking and dancing and playing roulette, which is what many people do is Las Vegas, is not a particularly scandalous thing to many people. We hike through Red Rock Canyon or the Valley of Fire. This is so far outside of normal that if I were in your shoes OP, I would be socking money away so that I could leave him, unless theres something youre not telling us that could possibly justify how he treats you. I think. My jaw literally dropped. Go on the trip and have a drink while youre at it. Ask questions like: Why didnt Iget invited? Then listen carefully asheanswers these questions and try not tointerrupt him orjump inwith your own thoughts onthe matter until hes finished explaining his reasoning, even ifitfeels like aneternity. So in addition to all his other faults, you then learned that he had asshole friends. In Vegas, these things are part of the fabric of the city. Hes gotten better over time, but he still guilt-trips me before I leave and makes sad noises about how he misses me so much and we never spend enough time together. And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. Look at it again. Its not you I dont trust, its other people.. (Is he really afraid you will be kidnapped or is he being hyperbolic to try to convince you to stay?). If you want to take PTO and extend your trip, please let me know and we can schedule your flights accordingly., Hehe even though were in DC, Xcorp still expects our employees to behave better than the politicians. If I died while on travel, hed get an insurance payout and be able to live without working for X months; then he could remarry or move or whatnot. If he refuses because everyone who goes to Vegas becomes adulterous instantly and HE doesnt want that to happen to HIM then you have a completely different issue from he refuses to let her go at all because He Said So. Alisons advice suggesting marriage counseling is good. I had half a day free so I went horseback riding in the desert (which was spectacular and I recommend to anyone). You have to have the autonomy in your relationship to perform the required duties of your job; its not like youre going to shaking it on top of a table at the Cosmopolitan. Some people get really over the top anxious about things like this such that it becomes its own problem, maybe even more of an independent factor than the sexism thing (which kind of compounds it because its a societal trope that reinforces some of what would otherwise seem more out there on the face of it). Forget $200, I once needed to add a night to my reservation at the Rio last minute.it was $20. Sometimes, when a spouse accuses you of cheating out of thin air, its because they themselves are cheating, and now they see it everywhere else as a coping mechanism for justifying their own behavior. (also +1000 to RabbitRabbit for anxiety manifesting as control theyre not necessarily separate). I dont think that would help the situation, however. Can we leave this here rather than derailing on it? Why wont he go on the trip with you? Privacy Policy and Affiliate Disclosures. Until I heard the week after that everyone was kept so busy that they really didnt have time or energy to do any of the fun stuff. We were already pretty good at forming social subgroups with people who are more like us, but now that we have instant online communities for any reason or belief, the effect has grown, and we can choose to associate more with people who agree with our beliefs. There is no amount of structuring my life that would have kept me from feeling anxious. Thats a bright, flashing red sign. Yeah, I was in Vegas just a couple of weeks ago. Its been a while, but the last time I went to Vegas, we went to a Cirque du Soleil show, did a lot of shoe shopping, and took a drive out to the hoover dam (and took a cool tour). Or they have jobs that dont require business travel. In either case, I should have ended it. As a long-time resident of NYC, people who dont live here assume I spend my days constantly in fear of muggings and/or terror attacks, pepper spray at the ready. Advising someone that most religious counselors would agree with professional norms doesnt help someone in Bible Belt USA or traditionally Catholic Ireland or in rural Saudi Arabia. Then maybe, if you can swing it, a weekend trip there for the two of you would be a good idea? Im glad you left that loser. So, OP, if you take nothing else away from this comment chain, hopefully you at least get some calibration to your is-it-weird-o-meter. So I understand, at some level, where the husband is coming from when he thinks about these horrible things happening to his spouse. Plus those casinos take forever to walk across and they are saturated in smoke, blech! But if not, why would you stay with this. I came to say the same thing. Theres no scenario that she cant find a worry for. Theres a third option: Insist on marriage counseling with your husband. Ultimately, a relationship cannot survive without trust. This is a bigger picture problem, and I hope you are able to work it out. Hes not Master of the House. They plan conferences there because its generally inexpensive, tons of rooms and restaurants, and its extremely easy to get aroundno real need for ground transportation besides getting to and from the airport. Him: Yeah, she does this every couple of months, and it never lasts. Please specify a reason for deleting this reply from the community. And honestly he would be the first to say that the breaks when Im away, and he can eat PBJ sandwiches for dinner, are refreshing for him too. They might be mad that they're not invited . Trotting out the results of a bogus survey is classic manipulation, in many sectors. Its really easy to say everyone else agrees (and they conveniently do so somewhere that you cant actually see/hear what they said), so anything that smacks of that strikes me as worthy of taking with a shakerfull of salt. Might need to go back. Sure, but hes also clearly controlling and very manipulative. I know you know this, Anonymous Poster, but I want to add something to this statement. But its a good idea to add in. My husband is just glad he doesnt have to go with me, because more than a couple of days in Las Vegas is like being stuck inside a kaleidoscope. But thats a separate issue. It is not normal or rational. I actually didnt tell her I got K&R insurance when I worked in the Philippines and had to travel to an area where nearby skirmishes were going on and kidnappings WERE a concern. I dont much care for Vegas. See a g- d- counsellor. Yes, you can absolutely get yourself in serious trouble in Vegas but you can also have the most dull weekend imaginable. Its a very highly policed city. No amount of marriage counseling will fix controlling. I havent missed a day other than scheduled vacation. My husband knows I am a lone soul sometimes and love my exciting career. I think its fine for different people to have different types of relationships. But we had conversations where we discussed what I was doing to stay safe, and we had agreed upon methods of checking in (calling / texting at certain reasonable times, for example). Answer (1 of 25): There could be a few reasons why a husband may not want to go out with his wife. Im not judging one way or another Im simply suggesting that you look at your relationship through a bigger lens than just this trip. The point being that because he cares about you, he will do whatever he can to make his relationship with you as strong as possible. Today, we can take a million pictures to find the right one, but in the Groovy era you had one chance to get the perfect shot. He can express an opinion at most. Its OK to not be 100% available to handle his feelings 100% of the time! Also have casinos on boats. But yes, OP, this does smell of jealousy. It is a huge trust issue. People understand the environment and are very vigilant about what is going on. I did business trips to the Middle East. Its a him issue. And Im sure theres a lot more I dont know about. Hes disabled, finds it extremely difficult to cook for himself, and suffers from anxiety, and he doesnt like me going on business trips. Im guessing its because Vegas sounds like its all casinos and bars and drunk parties, and if I learned anything in college its that bars and drunk parties are teeming with predators. This screams abuser and it will only get worse. 1. I didnt have to take many work trips, being a teacher, but I did occasionally go to educational seminars. :). We arent gamblers either. I cordially dislike Vegas. He doesnt have to be consciously choosing thesetheyre already out there. I bet youll have a blast. Be very very wary of ever harming your career or earning potential because of the desires of another person. Hes worrying that someone might hurt her, too. When one leaves, its done! I dont gamble and am not much of a drinker/partier and I thought Vegas was great! Grownups dont treat other grownups like this unless they are fundamentally abusive. I guess I read that differently than everyone else? The counseling would then help them sort out their individual issues as well as provide them tools to handle the communitys judgment as well. A few weeks after I started a great job, my mother-in-law literally messaged me and my husband to ask if we were able to put food on the table and should she send us money, so I can relate. Its not clear how much of this is general anxiety versus a specific concern about Las Vegas, but for the latter, some combination of yeah, Vegas might have been like that fifty years ago, but this is 2017 and its tame now and you cant believe everything you see on TV, theyre just going for the ratings might help.
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