Bill Gates. "Your mistakes don't define you.". I make a difference by showing up fully. I am stepping out of my comfort zone, no matter how small the step. Every one of my colleagues brings happiness into the office. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. I love my body. Some people are like clouds. Finally, if you want a simple tool to record and recite these affirmations, then check out these 13 affirmations apps that help you create a positive mindset. I enjoy every minute of it. As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round. We may speak different languages, but we all laugh the same. 185. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. Alexa, please clean the negativity off of my mind please. When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. 191. Not everyone has good taste. God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. 69. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. 24. Can February march? Words have the power to make or break us. I will drink my coffee and conquer my day. Allow your body to absorb the positivity of your words by repeating them to yourself. 196. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? Today I was a hero. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? Thats what youre called when you dont have a job. 25. You can't wait for inspiration. Here is a list for you that has all the funny affirmations: I am making myself laugh every time I say any sarcastic word. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. Lily Tomlin Excuse me while I go on a ride on the porcelain steamer. "I am becoming humorous day by day.". 144. 189. 93. My friends are like rocks, they help me through hard times. Not me, but somebody does. 16. 66. I love the moment when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today., 12. Live life to the fullest. 9. Start as soon as you wake up in the morning. Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. It takes so little to change your life! You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. Life always offers you a second chance. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. I draw from my inner strength and light. Honolulu, its got everything. 53. Not only can laughter improve our problem-solving skills, but it can also help battle various diseases. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. 190. Im like a postage stamp. Short people with an umbrella. 192. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. If I am willing to go back to bed when I wake up, I will go and make up the bed. 36. 91. You can think about your affirmations at work, while driving, when you practice yoga, and when you spend time with your . 230. 146. 100. 231. 98. 3. 183. There might be affiliate links on this page, which means we get a small commission of anything you buy. I enjoy every minute of it. 168. 96. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. Im not insulting you. We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. 233. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? I dont have everything I want, but I have all I need. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from inside. 28. 107. I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full., 11. We have a connection. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. 205. You need some sort of way to offset the inevitable stressors of life, and what better way to do that than with humor? Why did the can crusher quit his job? You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. 38. Send me the link. You try again, but no sound is coming out. Live life to the fullest. 1. You were too lazy to read that number. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. 56. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. No, but April may. 223. In the morning, I cant get up. 239. If the funny affirmations that Ive put together dont break your cool, then feel free to throw on a comedy special on Netflix or Youtube when you feel stressed. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. 65. I will smile while I still have my teeth. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. Breasts dont have eyes. No matter what I look like. 209. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? Flip Wilson 45. 22. You cant have everything, where would you put it? You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know. They are a powerful tool you can use to change your attitude, your perspective on life and shift from a negative to a positive mindset. 150. Ken Dodd, 255. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. I am capable of rewriting my grievances and transforming my fears. 226. - Donald Trump. Im full of funny ideas waiting to be expressed. I make people laugh, whether its with me or at me., 8. 83. 24. Effective pushing often involves poop. 113. Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. 18. Well, I guess I have to be odd to be number one. 105. 14. Every day I am devoted to my passions and dreams. 54. I never apologize. If I lose my hopes, I am afraid my mom will still scold me for taking it out and showing it to friends. New year, new me. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of. 176. I am thankful for all the problems I dont have. With a cowculator. 162. Lorrin L. Lee. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. 5. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? 167. 225. Stay focused and consistent, and youll start noticing the healing powers of humor and fun. Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. Benjamin Franklin. I have a lot to offer. A wishbone. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. Emphasis on the cool. 244. In life, sometimes you just need to break the tension with a little humor. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me. "I make people laugh, whether it's with me or at me.". 78. I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me., 12. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. Also read: 50+ Powerful Positive Affirmations For Exams. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen. Effective pushing often involves poop. What we say not only affects our lives but also has an impact on those around us. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. I have committed to being my most outstanding self. I give over my anxiety to God, knowing His peace will protect my heart and mind. I love the moment when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. Yeah, so is a grenade. I am full of vitality. Because it was soda pressing. When they go away, its a brighter day. They planet. Bill Murray I will not let my mind be a bully to my body. How Do People Share The News About Their Engagements? 200. Roy Lichtenstein Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. 138. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. And a funny bone. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Why is England the wettest country? And, it doesnt have to be hard or complicated! Every day, read them aloud for the best results. Bill Murray I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. In life, sometimes you just need to break the tension with a little humor. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. 117. So, watch your words, restructure your thoughts, and stay positive if you want to see a change in your life. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. Explore the latest videos from hashtags: #affirmations, #affirmation, #funnyaffirmation, #dailyaffirmations, #affirmationsoftheday, # . I deserve sugar, spice, and all things nice. 147. 26. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. The thing is, I am still getting ready. Plus, youre never gonna become funny and charismatic by being afraid to speak your mind. "Who you are inside is what helps you make and do everything in life". Learn sign language, its very handy. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. I dont think thats a coincidence., 3. 99. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. Affirmations to wealth are a great way for you to organize your thoughts and develop a positive outlook. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full. Whatever the case may be, a sense of humor can go a long way toward changing your perspective on negative occurrences in your life. You are good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, and strong enough. 146. I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. I am calm, patient and at peace. The only power you have is the word no. 127. You never run out of things that can go wrong. How do astronomers organize a party? 213. Run. 263. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. I often wish I was someone else Just so I could hang around with someone as awesome as me. But sometimes affirmations may not work. My windows arent dirty, my dog is painting. Bill Murray - Marcus Tullius Cicero. 2. 2. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. 27. Because seven ate nine. 249. 143. 27. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting!, 15. , we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. So life is not always "All The Way Up", I guess. 153. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. 36. 208. Tell the negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up. 1. 116. I can believe in myself for 5 minutes. 195. Paul Ehrlich, 241. Steven Wright, 252. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. 1. I'm Sergios Rotar, a 21 years old personal development enthusiast. 174. I'm having a staff meeting.". My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. Walter Bagehot Education cost money. Henny Youngman My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldnt walk to the donut shop. Youll probably grin or laugh if you say these affirmations aloud, thinking youre crazy. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. 154. Sam Levenson. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. 232. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting! I try to see the funny side of every situation., 3. You were too lazy to read that number. 'Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.'. 26. Watch popular content from the following creators: Maaryfairyy(@maaryfairyy), Jasmines Garden(@jasminesgarden23), Dazley(@dazzlemeup), JaySean(@jaysean), Nathalie Munoz(@nathaliemunozx3) . 100 Funny Christmas Quotes. I breathe in and out. It doesn't make sense to dwell on things you can't do anything about. 53. 167. 221. 140. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. 248. I try to see the funny side of every situation. - Bette Midler. Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. If you enjoyed reading these funny positive affirmations, make sure to bookmark this page for future reference, and share your favorite affirmations with your friends and family. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. Your brain will only ever optimally respond to positive present tense affirmations such as " I am calm .". Every day I become calmer and do more good for the world. 8. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. 56. 255. 2. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours., 6. 63. I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up? You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. Betty Reese, 9. A wishbone. 110. Theres no stopping me now. It's why you may feel excinervous (aka excited and nervous at the same time). He said, 'So does the guy I stole it from.'" 268. What is the tallest building in the entire world? My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. Its not easy staying motivated for work all the time. 148. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. Love your enemies. What do I do for a living? I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. 159. 101. 269. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. 205. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? Bill Murray. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. I will shine like fireworks on the Fourth of July. Decomposing. They have shown me exactly who I do not want to be., 15. 119. I should have theme music every time I enter a room. I am Ananya, a professional speaker and I love motivating people and inspiring them to pursue their dreams. Albert Einstein. It makes them so damned mad. Never ask a starfish for directions. I feel great. Some people are like clouds. 4. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. I wish my wallet came with free refills. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. 20. 196. Below youll find a collection of funny affirmations for work that will help you stay motivated and fight the work stress more efficiently. I am tough and resilient. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. Envelope. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. If you dont succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. We all have different and distinctive senses of humor thats what makes us such unique individuals. Everyone brings happiness to this office. 114. 200. Dont let anything or anyone stop you from achieving what you truly aspire. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. Today I will embrace the poop., 7. It changes your perception and these short positive affirmations have a way of changing the way you look at yourself and feel more confident. 17. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. Without further ado, let's look at 20 funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. Given below are some short quotes to tickle your funny bone. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Affirmations can be written in a journal, spoken out loud, or visualized as a conversation between you and money. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. 70. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. 4. If only common sense were more common. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from the inside., 11. This is a snap. Fortunately, theres a way to reap the benefits of these powerful statements by giving them a humorous twist. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer., 10. Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. 151. Enjoy! Then, think about how easy it would be to say a simple statement to yourself throughout the day. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me., 8. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. 184. These 50 funny affirmations will help you feel better about yourself while keeping a wide smile on your face. I intend to live forever. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. 197. - Unknown. I tried, but they wanted cash. I am so worthy so that I am filling the life of people with fun and joy. 245. Groucho Marx. Milton Berle, 245. Look, youre smiling! Stuart Turner Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of a Single Mom, Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of Midlife Relationships, Did you know that having a good sense of humor is very important when it comes to social interaction? Im still gonna do dumb stuff, only slower., See also: 90 Inspiring & Funny Quotes About Ageing Gracefully, 8. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. It will warm you twice unknown. 201. 84. 211. Read the first word again. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. I don't entertain negativity in any shape or form. "After 30, a body has a mind of its own.". Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up. 6. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade., 14. 173. I experience ease and flow as I navigate my exhilarating life. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. It just plain forms. Ann Landers, 244. Inspiring Quotes About Life "Here, we like to keep you inspired by showing you beautiful words of wisdom based . 67. Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? "Start each day with a positive thought and a grateful heart.". As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. I am joyful for achieving the ones I did. I release all shame about my body. Life is filled with highs and lows, stress and anxiety, so sometimes some funny and positive words will help you lighten up on an encouraging note. Positive music, resilience, inner strength and a growth mindset lead to success!. Don't forget to be awesome. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. Say your affirmations slowly and clearly. I understand success cant happen overnight. 68. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. "Life is like an elevator - Sometimes it stops. 218. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours. I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 229. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. Stressed spelled backward is desserts. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. What doesnt kill you makes your drinks stronger., 10. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? 74. 22. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat., 10. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. I see the funny side of life more and more. Albert King 23. Life is always easier with some humor, smiles, laughter and fun. Good morning! 112. 55. To put your affirmations into practice, follow these steps. Socrates. Similar to how it's important to minimize distractions in the workplace, you need a few minutes of peace to focus and mindfully say your affirmations. You may think youll never get over it, but you will, and youll be fine., 7. "If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.". I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. Swimming trunks. 234. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. I am enough. 266. Please excuse me while I go check the plumbing. Get help beating negative thinking by reciting positive affirmation every day. 194. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash., 9. I can engage in small acts of kindness to uplift other people. Funny Friday Quotes. I make people laugh, whether its with me or at me. There's value in patting yourself (and your friends) on the back.Positive affirmations are statements that can help brighten your outlook on the world when you say them to yourself regularly or write them down in a journal.While affirmations are no substitute for professional help such as therapy when you're experiencing anxiety or depression, those who swear by the power of uplifting . Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 10. The thing is, Im still getting ready. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. 240. 262. Not a peli-cant. How do trees access the internet? 3. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? "Whatever you do, do with all your might.". Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Have a look! We have a connection. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. 211. About Us | Privacy Policy | Terms | Contact 2023 Quotement. 35. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. How do astronomers organize a party? 2. 139. Be careful when you follow the masses. It will just flow naturally. 125. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. 8. 229. 5. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. I love my kids, which means I am doing just fine. My body belongs to me and I can set boundaries around it. Be kinder with yourself and change your thoughts for better health (physically and emotionally). The most important aspect is being honest with yourself and opting for a meaningful statement. 271. 258. Microchips. I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. Rome wasnt built in a day. 163. Happy Birthday.". Its okay if people dont like me. I tell you what always catches my eye. Breasts dont have eyes. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. 276. Affirmations are an opportunity to be honest with ourselves and recognize that we have a treasure trove of power and creativity within us. A mind is like a parachute. -Katrina Bowden. 71. 266. I am not only pretty but also pretty awesome, pretty smart, and pretty kind. 60. Theres life without Facebook and internet? Youre talking to yourself. I will be the type of person I would like my children to become. I didnt give a f*ck yesterday, I dont give a f*ck today, and I wont give a f*ck tomorrow either. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. George Burns Raimonda.B. I am just making myself capable enough to live in the moment. 45. 90. 63. 12. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case were having cake. No beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart., 4. I love my job only when Im on vacation. These funny ideas are smart and a bit sarcastic and will bring a smile to your face. 267. I am intelligent. 68. "Today will be a great day". I intend to live forever. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. 85. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. 27. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. I am grateful for all that I have. 168. 142. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? 247. 141. Nobody gets out alive anyway. This might be a work in progress, or you might need to remind yourself of how funny you actually are. Ken Dodd Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! It may look like Im doing nothing, but in my head, Im quite busy. 173. 182. 116. It gets toad away. Heres some short funny affirmations that will hopefully brighten up your day. 23. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. I sometimes might be too much, but I am always enough. Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be miserable., 7. Being funny increase people's tendency to connect with you and talk to you. - Irish Saying. Helen Giangregorio. Reciting witty affirmations can help you rise above any problems you encounter. Im thinking like a proton, always positive. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. If you're going to be thinking, you may as well think big. I am loving all the bad experiences because they are giving me something . I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. My liver still works. Who cares about the future? Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. Sincerely, yourself., 2. Positive affirmations are a longstanding practice for those of us who need a little extra daily encouragement, and the best part isthey're free and they're flexible! People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade. 13. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. Youre not tequila., 5. You can be positive and yet be funny and easy-going. I dont need validation from others to know Im killing it. Hes dreaming too. 49. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. Let me gather my thoughts and crush this Monday., 15. 25. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. Helen Giangregorio However, just saying these statements out loud wont cut it. A quote to live by for when life gets bitter. Albert Einstein, 190. If we shouldnt eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? 151. "I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. 256. Edward A. Murphy. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. Sincerely, yourself. I didnt want to interrupt her. Nothing, they just waved. You can also share them with your co-workers to put a smile on their faces. Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on. Your email address will not be published. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. 230. If you are looking for a way to get more laughs in your day, try some of these funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. 126. 9. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? Jun 19, 2018 - Explore Jamie Hadland's board "funny/sarcastic affirmations" on Pinterest. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Ive got three bones. Whatever you must do todaydo it with the confidence of a 4-year-old in a Batman cape., 2. Find a quiet place without distractions. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case were having cake. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? Never judge a book by its movie. 11. "Life is like a roller coaster pic - scary at the moment, funny looking back.". 4. 192. Any text will do. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. 54. I am here not to compete because I know I am neither the fastest nor the smartest. When and How to Let Them Know, How To Cheer Yourself Up When Feeling Down, 5 Things To Discuss With Your Partner Before Marriage, Funny Positive Affirmations For Self-Esteem, 50+ Powerful Positive Affirmations For Exams, 70+ Positive Affirmations For Teens From Parents.
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